


Blood Stained Letters

by nonna



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Badass Pepper, Extremis Pepper Potts, F/M, Hurt Tony Stark, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Angst, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, suicidal Tony stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-01 08:25:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6510421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonna/pseuds/nonna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The civil war has left Tony depleted, hopeless, and depressed. He thought he was doing the right thing, but he only seemed to be making everything worse. So he decided to put an end to it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Once again going to emphasize that this has suicide in it, but the suicide itself is not described in detail.

“Tony, you can still step away from this.”

Tony looked up, his eyes locking with Steve’s. How long were they going to play this game? How many times were they going to tell each other to stand down, to step away, to _back off_? How would this feud end–– _would_ it ever end if neither of them stood down? If they both insisted on being stubborn?

Tony wanted to step away from it, he really did.

He wanted to leave the SHRA movement. To stop supporting, and funding, General Ross. Initially, he was all for the SHRA––but at what cost? Tony lost everyone. _Everyone_. The only friends he had (or at least, he’d thought he did) were the Avengers.  A team of superheroes, so brave and powerful and inspiring, and Tony gave them all he had. He gave them his time, dedication, money, designs, a residence, upgrades, discounts, and fought alongside them in battle.

Because when Tony thought he had a friend, he was afraid of losing them. And he thought the best way to keep them would be to give them all that he could.

Apparently, that did not work.

_I’m sorry Tony, but he’s my friend._

_So was I._

No, he wasn’t. Tony really never had any friends.

Well, aside from Pepper, Rhodey and Happy. And where were they now?

Rhodey was lying on a hospital bed, hooked up to machines and monitors. Rhodey was in a coma, and the doctors did not have high hopes for his condition. Rhodey, Tony’s oldest and closest friend, was most likely never going to wake up.

Pepper was trying her best. She ran SI as flawlessly as she always had, despite now hiding the fact that she still had traces of Extremis. Tony had managed to dull her powers down slightly, but he hadn’t found a way to wipe them away. Which was okay, because Pepper was doing better. She’d been a very patient person to begin with, and controlling her weakened powers wasn’t such an issue.

Until General Ross found out about them, that is. And threatened Tony.

 _“Look, General, this isn’t what I signed up for.”_ Tony had said. _“I can’t keep going with this.”_

 _“You can always back out, Stark,”_ the General had drawled. _“And maybe then I’ll tell the world that CEO Virgina Potts has lethal powers that may prove to be a danger to the public. Maybe the government will go after her, too? Lock her up with James Buchanan Barnes. I’m sure they’ll get along._ _And I’m sure her public image will benefit Stark Industries._ ”

Happy was still recovering from that explosion. Parts of his brain had been damaged in the landing, and he occasionally had memory problems… along with a few seizures.

And Peggy Carter, _oh_ , Peggy. Tony’s auntie. The woman who pulled Tony away from Howard’s drunken arms, who took her home with him and let him eat Angie’s delicious homemade food. Who treated him like her own son, and…. and when Tony wanted to attend her funeral, Steve thought he was only doing it for his _public image_ and did not allow Tony to appear in the spotlight.

Tony knew Peggy better than Steve ever would.

Tony wanted to step away from the SHRA. From the Avengers. From _Steve_.

He wanted to step away from life.

“I can’t,” he whispered. “I can’t step away from this, Steve.”

Captain America’s shield collided with his face plate, and Tony fell back before activating the repulsers and finding his balance. Steve’s eyes hardened, glaring at the Iron Man as he caught his shield again. “And I can’t let you step forward.”

Another fight.

Tony did not have the energy for it.

At first, he’d felt that he had a purpose. A goal. He saw reason behind the SHRA, he saw discipline. But when General Ross began to change the terms, seeking control over the registered heroes and treating them like puppets, Tony hesitated.

He never made the right choice. When he wanted to fix his problems, his “solution” only caused greater issues. Tony was getting _sick_ of it. He was getting sick of _himself_.

Now that he wanted to back out, he couldn’t. Not when Pepper’s life was in danger. He couldn’t do that––not to her. She didn’t deserve that.

And so, Tony fought back.

It was too late to stand down.

* * *

“You need to lay off the fighting,” Natasha commented irately. “Both of you. Whenever you’re in the same room as Steve––or Bucky––you guys end up beating each other to pulp. Nothing’s going to get fixed if we keep going like this.”

Tony nodded, wincing as the movement caused pressing against the gash on his neck. Bucky had somehow managed to dent the suit enough that it’d sliced through Tony’s skin. He nearly slit his throat.

Maybe he should have.

This would have all been over.

“I’m sorry,” he said instead. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Natasha raised an eyebrow, surprised. Tony hadn’t apologized before, nor had he admitted to feeling lost. Natasha decided to press on the subject. “Maybe you should step down from being a public supporter of the SHRA. Might help Steve calm down about it a little.”

It would.

* * *

“Tony, how long is this going to go for?” Pepper asked, her voice wavering. “I can’t do this. I can’t keep living in the fear that all our SI deals might get cancelled at any moment if Ross decides to reveal my secret––”

“Pepper.” Tony interrupted, pressing the phone closer to his ear. “Pepper, I just want you to know that… even if people find out about your powers, no one will hate you. No one will fear you. You––Pepper, you are the _kindest_ person in this planet. You’re caring, you’re patient, you’re… you’re perfect. You are a perfect human being, Extremis or not. Just remember that.”

Pepper was silent for a moment before she sniffed and said, “but how will anyone see that? If news gets around that I’m _evil_ and I’m a _threat…_ ”

* * *

Tony smiled at the guards before he stepped into the large meeting room at the Avengers’ Facility. Sunlight lit the room, coming in through the large windows lining the walls on the far side of the it. He’d been waiting for this meeting––one they only had about every two weeks. General Ross, Director Fury, King T’Challa, Bucky, and all the Avengers were gathered in the room.

“About time you got here, Stark.” General Ross said, keeping his eyes glued to the files placed on the table before him.

“Yeah, well,” Tony shrugged, “I’m not going to be here for too long, anyway. If it’s okay with everyone––can I just make a few quick announcements, before you get on with the meeting?”

All gazes fell on him. None were impressed.

Tony pulled a paper out of the folder he was holding, and slipped it over the General’s files. He exhaled slowly before explaining. “A legal document, to officiate renouncing my position from the SHRA. I will no longer be involved with the Registration Act. You no longer have the legal rights to use my name, face, symbol, or company to promote your act. You will no longer receive funding from me or from Stark Industries. All ties between us are cut.”

Ross held the document, his eyes narrowing as he scanned it over. He looked up at Tony, and though his jaw clenched, he managed to force a smile. “Backing out now, Stark? Are you so sure this is a good idea?”

Tony shrugged again. “You have a copy of the document, my lawyer has one, too. Try to break it, and you might just get caught into a legal issue yourself.”

When Tony turned around, he found himself smiling at Steve’s expression. His eyes opened wide in disbelief, but Tony could see the relief in them as well.

Steve smiled back. “Tony, this is––”

But Tony walked over to Fury, and handed him another paper. “And for you, a legal document to officiate my resignation from the Avengers Initiative. I honestly don’t know if you promoted me to an Avenger or if I stayed a consultant, so I didn’t specify my position.”

“Stark, what nonsense––”

“Whatever my position, neither Iron Man nor I will be associated with the Avengers Initiative from now on. You may receive funding from Stark Industries if CEO Pepper Potts agrees to it.”

“Tony, you can’t be serious.” Clint said, crossing his arms. “And what are you going to do after this? You think you can just fall back to having some Steve Jobs type of job? You can’t just step back from everything.”

Oh, Tony knew what he was going to do after this.

“And Steve,” Tony said, ignoring Clint. “A legal document for you, just in case you don’t trust me enough. I will no longer pursue James Buchanan Barnes, nor will I be involved with his issue. If you catch me fighting Bucky or going after him, you might be able to put me in jail with this. Keep it.”

Steve took the document, mouth slightly agape. He gulped slowly. “Tony, I didn’t need a legal document… I…. Thank you.”

“Don’t sweat it, Cap.” Tony then lifted his hand and saluted goodbye as he turned to leave the room. “Caio.”

As soon as he was out of the room, Natasha was by his side.

“This doesn’t look good, Stark.”

“What doesn’t look good? I’ve backed out. I’ve stood down. Steve no longer has to worry about me getting in his way, Bucky’s way, or in any superhero’s way. He and I will no longer fight! It’s good. It’s perfect.”

“What are you planning?” Natasha pressed, concern evident in her eyes. “Last time you did something like this, you were _dying_. If I recall correctly, you signed Pepper as CEO of Stark Industries, allowed Rhodey to use your suit, you gave away everything you had––”

“This isn’t the same.” Tony assured her. “I don’t have the reactor anymore, remember?”

Well, he wasn’t lying. That time, he was dying because of the arc reactor. He was getting poisoned by a physical element, and he had no control over it.

This time was different.

He was getting poisoned by _everything_ around him.

“I’m fine, Tasha,” he lied.

* * *

Pepper glanced at the muted TV from time to time as she flipped through the stack of files on her desktop. Super Bowl was going to be that night. All channels talked about was football, football and _football_.

Really, who cared?

Pepper rubbed at her temples, growing irritated with the document on hand. When she glanced back at the TV, however, she was shocked to see her own name plastered onto the headlines, with none other than _Christine Everhart_ giving the news.

Oh God.

Ross had spread the news.

She jumped out of her chair, un-muting the television as she began to pace around the room, her eyes glued to the screen. This could not be good.

 _“And where have you heard all of this, Christine?”_ The news anchor was saying.

 _“The president himself, Jenna._ ” Christine said, smiling broadly. _“He said he was present during the incident––It was back when the Mandarin kidnapped him, and he was saved by Colonel James Rhodes and Tony Stark. Mr. President recalls Colonel Rhodes explaining that Mr. Stark had stayed behind to find Ms. Potts, who had also been kidnapped by the Mandarin.”_

 _“And she was one of the Mandarin’s test subjects, is that correct?”_ Jenna asked.

Christine nodded. _“Yes. But she survived his brutal, brutal experiments. She was one of the few, actually, who could withstand the virus.”_

_“You’re saying Ms Potts, CEO of Stark Industries, has a virus that gives her powers?”_

“Oh my goodness,” Pepper muttered, her eyes tearing up. She tore her gaze away from the television.

 _“Yes.”_ Christine replied, smile still plastered onto her face. _“And I think it’s about time that we acknowledge that Ms. Potts might just be another one of our superheroes. I spoke to Tony Stark, of course, after hearing from Mr. President, and he confirmed that Ms. Potts was the one who put an end to the Mandarin––when_ he _couldn’t, even with his iron man suits.”_

Jenna gasped, then smiled as well. _“This is breaking news. Why had we not heard about this earlier? We will take a quick break and we’ll get back to you with more news on the story_.”

Wait, _what?_

 _Tony_ had released Pepper’s secret?

“So that General Ross doesn’t get to do it first,” she breathed. “Oh my God, Tony.”

When Jenna was back on screen, she was grinning. _“We have managed to get_ both _Mr. President and Mr. Stark on the line to tell us more about Ms Pott’s story. Mr. President, can you tell us what you remember from the incident_?”

 _“I only saw a glimpse of Ms. Potts, and she was hanging from a piece of metal from the collapsing building. Mr. Stark was reaching for her, and before I could see any more, I flew off with Colonel Rhodes. When we landed safely, he explained to me that the Mandarin had been planning to kill Ms. Potts to get revenge from Mr. Stark, but she withstood the virus and she managed to control it._ ”

 _“And she has, of course. The incident is just over two years old now, and we haven’t seen any sign of Ms. Potts burning down any buildings or people since she’s returned from there. She clearly has tremendous control over her powers.”_ Jenna remarked.

 _“She does. I mean, I live with Pep, we share the same bed when we’re both in town, and she’s never harmed me. You know, being around me is very frustrating, and for Pepper to keep her fire under control when I piss her off is tremendous.”_ Tony added, his voice muffled as he spoke over the call line.

 _“And why has she kept it secret all this time?”_ Jenna asked.

_“She told me that SI was her foremost priority. Pepper is an incredible CEO, an incredible businesswoman. She’s humble. She loves her job. She wants to keep the SI customers satisfied to the max, doesn’t want her personal life to affect her performance at work. She’s a dedicated woman.”_

Once the call was over, Pepper immediately dialled Tony’s number. He immediately answered.

“Pepper. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. I backed out from the SHRA and I had to get to the press before Ross could, I managed to get the President to join the call and called in a few favours with Christine––we have our history but she does owe me––”

“Tony.” Pepper interrupted. “Tony.”

“Yes, love?” Tony asked, his nervous babbling ended.

“I love you.”

Tony was quiet for a few moments before hesitantly asking, “you’re not angry with me?”

“God, no, Tony.” Pepper let out a breath, but it came out as more of a sob. “You managed to make me look like a hero––you called in the _president––_ and you still worked my CEO position into the light and kept SI safe….”

“And you know I meant every word of what I said? Pepper, you _are_ a hero.”

“I love you,” Pepper repeated, wiping the tears that began to trace down her cheeks.

“I love you too, Pep. More than anything in this world.”

Pepper’s other lines began to ring, then, and she knew was going to have to answer the countless questions she would receive. She sniffed, then told Tony that she would call him back the following day.

* * *

Later that evening, Tony found himself surrounded by the press as soon as he stepped outside of Avengers––previously _Stark_ ––Tower.

“Mr. Stark, are the rumours true about you renouncing the SHRA?” A reporter asked. Another questioned, “why did you leave the Avengers?”

Tony raised a hand to silence them, and slipped off his sunglasses. “The rumours… are true.” The crowd went wild with questions and comments, but Tony continued. “I left the team because I had nothing left to offer them. My presence was creating more problems, initiating new fights that really weren’t necessary. People dear to me were getting hurt and threatened, and the best thing was for me to step out of the picture.”

They were not satisfied with the answer, however, and kept pressing, asking if he had been kicked off the team, if someone had forced him off it, what mistakes he’d made… Tony exhaled patiently, a headache growing as the lights flashed around him. “Look, the Avengers are great guys. And I’m not a great man. They got Captain America, Hawkeye, Black Widow, Vision, Scarlet Witch––you know, they’re all skilled people who want the best for the public and my presence just wasn’t helping with that.”

_So you were a burden to the team? Many people idolize the Iron Man, are you saying they shouldn’t? What about the case of James Buchanan Barnes?_

Tony stepped forward, his breathing growing laboured as he felt himself getting suffocated by the crowd. “It's just that I tried my best and sometimes that worked, sometimes it didn’t. I don’t want to take chances anymore, I want to leave the gig to people who will always make it work. As for Barnes, he’s healing. He’s under scrutiny and close watch and Captain America is by his side, helping ensure that. I haven’t really spoken much to the guy, but I have hopes for his case. Like I said, I’m usually wrong about a long of things––and the Avengers don’t need that.”

The Avengers had hurt him.

But if Tony hurt them back, who would the public be able to trust?

If the only way to keep the citizens safe was to take all the blame for himself––then Tony was going to do it. The Avengers were the face of peace for many people, and he wasn’t going to destroy that.

Not like he did when he promoted the SHRA.

Besides, Tony had nothing good left in him.

He was a mess, and all he created was a bigger mess.

* * *

When he returned home that night, Tony played some videos the team had recorded during their stay in the tower.

When Clint pranked Steve by pretending he got poisoned by Steve’s pancakes, and Steve absolutely lost it in panic.

When Natasha pushed Bruce into the pool, while recording, just to see the Hulk create a big splash.

When Tony was sleeping, and Clint and Thor made popcorn over his arc reactor.

When they had Dubsmash wars, and Natasha and Clint recreated Nicki Minaj and Drake from _Anaconda_. Of course, Clint played Nicki’s role.

When they attended a children’s charity event together, switching their superhero costumes and imitating each other. Clint had insisted on wearing the Iron Man armour to get more kids’ attention, and he’d nearly succeeded, if it hadn’t been for Natasha dressing up as Thor.

When they’d laughed, and had fun, and… and when Tony thought they were more than just teammates. When he thought they were his friends––his family.

But he was wrong.

Tony crossed the room, pulling open a drawer and reaching for a bottle of Tylenol. He had a growing headache, and a pill would help.

As he downed one, he decided that another pill would help, too.

And a third.

And a fourth.

Maybe the whole bottle.

“FRIDAY,” he said, between downing pills, “disable all phone lines. Activate Protocol 0431. No answering phone calls, even if it’s from Ms. Potts. Just direct them to voicemail. Do not contact or call anyone.”

“Yes, sir.”

Tony crossed the room again, his breathing growing erratic. He reached for a stack of papers and scrambled to find a pen. Because…. because was he doing this?

He let out a shaky breath, and nodded to himself.

He was doing this.

He _had_ to do this.

He could no longer serve the planet. He could no longer help Pepper, or the Avengers. If anything, he was holding them back. Yes, that’s what he was doing. Holding them back. Because he was a failure, a _shitbag_.

 _You created Ultron._ Tony reminded himself. _You killed Wanda’s parents. You led Pepper to getting Extremis because you were a shitty fucking person and Aldrich had to use her to get revenge on you. You could never live up to Howard’s expectations. You never made Peggy proud––and all she’d wanted was for you to be a decent human! Couldn’t even do that. Couldn’t even fucking do that._

And what would a world without him look like, he wondered?

He could see Steve smiling in relief when he realized he would no longer have to worry about Tony hunting down Bucky. All he’d have to worry about was Hydra now. The Avengers would most likely team up again––no one was as stubborn in defying Steve as he had been. They’d be a team, protecting the planet, fighting the bad guys.

Bucky could be part of that team.

And they wouldn’t be controlled by the likes of General Ross, because Tony wouldn’t be there, urging them to give in to the man’s commands.

Pepper would no longer have to put up with his mess. She wouldn’t have to clean up after him, get angered when he misses meetings, forgets her birthday. She would no longer have to worry about him nearly killing himself again.

Not if he’s already dead.

He spotted a blade on one of the counters, where he had been working on shaping a new weapon for Clint’s arrows, and inhaled deeply.

* * *

When Pepper called Tony the next day, he didn’t answer. She was redirected to voice mail, which was odd––usually FRIDAY would answer. He was probably busy clearing up his business with SHIELD and the Avengers.

She left him a voicemail. “Tony? It’s Pepper. Call me back when you’re not busy, honey. Love you.”

* * *

When Tony didn’t answer the day after _that_ , Pepper grew worried. She called Natasha.

“Where’s Tony? I swear, if you laid a finger on him––”

“We haven’t heard from or seen Tony since he quit the team. It’s been three days. We just saw him on the news the day after he quit.” Natasha answered. “If you haven’t spoken to him either, then… maybe we should check on him.”

Pepper let out a shaky breath, and said, “I’m flying to New York right now.”

* * *

Pepper didn’t bother to greet the guards or the welcome desk when she rushed into the tower a few hours later. She hurried to the elevator, entering the auth code and going up to her––and Tony’s––private floor. “FRIDAY?” She called out.

“Ms. Potts,” FRIDAY sounded exasperated. “Mr. Stark is in his lab.”

“Why haven’t you been answering any of my calls? Why hasn’t he?” Pepper demanded.

“Mr. Stark activated Protocol 0431, which does not allow me to speak to anyone unless they are present in this floor.” FRIDAY explained. Then, she repeated, “He is in his lab.”

Pepper nodded, setting her purse down and shrugging her heels off before walking over to the lab, which was a few steps below the common area on the floor. She entered the four-numbered code, and was relieved when the doors slid open. Tony hadn’t locked the lab, at least.

“Tony?” She called out. “You had me worried, you weren’t answering any calls. I know you want to lock yourself away now, to deal with everything that’s been happening, but this is looking better. SI has actually been picking up business, people want to make more deals with us,” she said, walking around the lab, “and I need you. I need you now more than ever. Stark Industries is our company, and this is our time to make it excel even more.”

When she received no response, she gulped, refusing to grow nervous. “Tony? Did you fall asleep on that dirty couch again? Because I swear, we need to throw that thing out, it’s covered with oil and dirt and–– _Oh my God! Tony!_ ”

Tony was lying on the ground, his eyes open––though heavily lidded. Papers were scattered around him, filled with messy handwriting.

Blood was splattered all over the papers.

And pooled beneath him.

Flowing out of _both_ his wrists.

A bottle of Tylenol lay open, and empty, just a little farther.

And Tony was _smiling_.

Pepper stood, unable to move, for over five minutes. Her mouth, which was wide open, grew dry.

Then she spotted something in Tony’s right hand. She gulped, licking her dry lips, and forced herself to step closer. When her eyes met Tony’s––his _lifeless_ ones––she let out a sob. “Oh my God.”

In his hand was a picture of them together.

Tony had died smiling at a picture of her hugging him. They were both grinning in the photo.

Pepper yelled. And she yelled again, until she lost track of how long she had been crying for. She shook Tony’s body, she kissed his lifeless lips, she squeezed his hands. She paced around the room. She sat still. She punched the wall, then she slid down it, hugging her knees close to her chest.

When she took the picture from his hand, she lost control.

The photo began burning in her hands.

She could hear FRIDAY speaking, asking questions, but Pepper couldn’t answer. Pepper couldn’t think. All she could do was stare at Tony.

At his lifeless smile––which was somehow more sincere than any of the smiles he’d had when he was alive.

He seemed so _peaceful_. Peaceful like he never did, even in his sleep.

A while later, when she felt herself beginning to calm down––though she still felt dazed––she knelt down to look at the scattered papers around Tony. Each one was titled with a name: Steven Grant Rogers, Natalia Alianova Romanov, James Buchanan Barnes…. _Virginia Potts_.

She picked up the paper, reading Tony’s messy handwriting through the blur in her eyes. It was a will, dictating that all of his money, lands, houses, cars, and Iron Man suits were to become property of Virginia Potts.

Then she saw another paper, titled with _Pepper_.

It was a letter.

_Pepper,_

_I fucking love you. Did I ever tell you that? I’m the shittiest boyfriend, shittiest boss, shittiest friend. Never showed you how much I loved you. Never showed you how much I appreciated you, how much you meant to me. But––you meant the whole world to me, Pep. You were the only thing that mattered to me. I put you through so much shit._

_But now you’ll be fine. You’re a rockstar. You’ll make SI grow stronger than ever. You’ll make the best hero with your Extremis powers. I was just holding you back, but now you’re free. You’re free to accomplish your dreams and goals and the success you’ve always deserved._

_I’m sorry for making you cry so many times. Sorry for giving you a scare every now and then._

_At least now you won’t have to worry about me dying all the time, right?_

_I love you. And whether I go to Heaven or Hell, I’ll be thinking about you._

_Tony_

Pepper began to cry again.


	2. And now his pain has ended.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team deals with the aftermath of Tony's death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just under a week before I watch CACW!! I can almost guarantee you that I will write another fic once I see the movie. If you have any specific requests, please message me on tumblr at tonynstark!
> 
> This chapter turned out much longer than I expected, but it's got a lot dialogue and coping. Hope you enjoy xx
> 
> Btw, thank you all for your kind comments on chapter 1! I get so excited when I see a comment <3

Pepper’s eyes were puffed, her nostrils beginning to scratch from the constant wiping and blowing of her nose. Her gaze was focused on Tony’s smiling face––his eyes now closed, after the doctors declared his death official. She had been taken in for questioning by the police, demanding to know everything they could. Pepper wished she had more answers.

The hospital was loud. Nurses chatting, police discussing the issue, machines beeping. But somehow, there was a deafening silence for Pepper. A silence that surrounded her every time her eyes fell on Tony’s still form.

He was gone.

Pepper had always feared the day she would have to face Tony’s dead body. She just…. never imagined it would be like this. Scenarios of Tony getting killed in battle, of Tony getting stuck in another wormhole, of his own teammates killing him… they’d all played in her head, over and over again. But coming home to find that Tony had ended his _own_ life so brutally was never one of them.

And to see him look so peaceful tore at her heart.

Tony had been far from a happy man during his life, especially after the Afghanistan kidnapping. He often succeeded in pretending he truly was happy to most people, but he could never hold that mask up in front of Pepper. She remembered when he would be laughing and chuckling at galas, smiling for the guests and the cameras, looking like the content man he should have been. Then he would run to the rooftop, and Pepper would follow, and he would cry in her arms. He would cry because he was terrified someone would attack him at the event and hurt the innocent civilians. He would cry because he was frustrated with himself for falling behind on the tasks SHIELD had assigned him. He would cry because he was worried that the Avengers would say he was fooling around and wasting time by attending the gala.

He would cry because he was _exhausted_.

And Pepper would hold him close, and she would cry, too, because she would be reminded of how much sadness Tony concealed from the world.

So much, that _death_ left him peaceful.

“Ms. Potts?”

Pepper’s eyes lingered on Tony for a moment longer before she looked up to see Maria Hill standing by the doorway. Maria forced a small smile before she stepped in and stood closer to where Pepper sat.

“I…” She began… then she took a deep breath. “I am so sorry, Ms. Potts. Tony was difficult, but he was a good man.”

Pepper’s jaw clenched. “What do you want, Ms. Hill?” The agent would not have come without reason.

Maria raised an eyebrow in surprise, then pulled a chair and took a seat next to Pepper. “We heard about what happened, we needed someone from SHIELD to be on the scene. But we’re trying to keep it quiet, so I’m here because I worked for SI officially. We’re making sure Ross and other government officials don’t make their way over. But Pepper, I grew to know Tony when I worked for him and––I was shocked. I didn’t think it’d be real.”

Pepper nodded, letting out a soft exhale. “He’s gone. For real.”

Maria glanced to Tony’s body, lying on the hospital bed, but turned away immediately. She hadn’t started off on such great terms with Tony, but he was an Avenger, and later her boss. Somehow, she had grown to enjoy his dry humour, his snark. He really was a difficult man,  making it so hard to like him…. but once you grew used to him, you would find it very hard to push him away again.

“I’m so sorry.” She repeated. “Suicide… God, there must have been a reason.”

“Not just one reason.” Pepper said. “It built up. Years and years of it. And every time he thought he found a reason to rise again and fight with a purpose, he was brought down. He always saw the world differently, and whenever he tried to do something about it, it just never worked out.” Her voice wavered. “It always went downhill.”

Maria nodded. “He quit the Avengers, SHIELD, renounced SHRA. Natasha knew something was up. She tried to speak to him but he insisted he was fine.”

“Of course he did. And maybe…. maybe for the first time, he wasn’t lying about that.” Pepper couldn’t hold back the tears brewing again. “Look at him. He just looks so happy.”

Maria pulled Pepper in for a hug, and did not complain when her white dress got soaked with Pepper’s tears.

* * *

 

Natasha walked into the common room at the Avengers’ Facility, nodding at her teammates in greeting. Well, perhaps _ex-_ teammates would be a better term, given they weren’t quite a team anymore.

Tony had done the right thing when he dropped out of the picture. Natasha hated to admit it, because that would make it seem as though it had all been on Tony. It wasn’t so much his absence that forced them to work together again as it was the sudden _change_ that his absence invoked. Once Tony was gone, they were lost for a while. Natasha wasn’t sure why Tony cut all ties with General Ross, and whether he was seeing something that she wasn’t. Steve suddenly seemed to realize that Hydra was on his trail, and that he had more important battles to fight.

Tony’s abrupt absence worried Natasha––more than she would have liked to admit.

“Did you hear back from Ms. Potts?” Asked T’Challa. He had been standing with her when Pepper had called a few hours back, inquiring about Tony’s whereabouts.

Natasha shook her head as she took a seat on an empty couch. “Not yet.”

“Well, I hope that Mr. Stark is alright.” T’Challa said, a polite smile gracing his face. His ties with Tony had been very professional, but he had grown to like the man.

Wanda perked at the mention of Tony’s name. “Stark? What happened to him?”

Natasha raised an eyebrow, fixing her eyes on the younger woman. Wanda cleared her throat and returned her gaze to the book in her hands. Sam saw Natasha’s look, too, and decided against asking any further questions.

“Bucky passed SHIELD’s psychological test,” he said instead. “Steve was very proud.”

“That’s good to hear,” Natasha commented sincerely. “Less of a threat to worry about. I’m glad Steve even allowed SHIELD to have a look at him––it’s what I had been asking him to do since the beginning, and he thought I wanted Bucky dead.”

“He thought SHIELD might be Hydra again, and didn’t want to take that risk.” Sam pointed out.

“He thought I couldn’t be trusted.” Natasha said, a rising edge to her voice. She inhaled slowly, then, and forced herself to calm down. “But I’m happy to hear that Barnes is improving.”

Sam nodded, and forced himself to drop the subject as well. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Sam and Scott watching the muted TV, Natasha on her phone, Wanda reading the book, and T’Challa face-timing his wife.

When Tony’s name appeared on the headlines, however, Sam tensed. “Holy shit, guys,” he said, watching the footage. “This can’t be real, right?”

_Tony Stark found dead in Avengers’ Tower._

Natasha looked up to the television, and her eyes hardened as she processed the information. “Turn up the volume,” she told Sam.

 _“Tony Stark has just been taken to the hospital,”_ a reporter was saying. She stood in front of the Avengers’ Tower. Police, EMTs and panicked civilians were crowding in the background.  She had to speak loudly when she said, _“Unfortunately, they were saying that it was too late to do anything.”_

The news anchor appeared into a split-screen, and asked, _“Is this an act of terrorism? Have there been any leads about the cause of his death? Are the employees at the tower, or anyone in NYC, in any danger?”_

 _“Well, the police are currently investigating the case. They’ve evacuated the tower, as you can see,”_ the reporter answered, the wailing of the sirens downing her voice. _“But they were saying the most likely cause of death was suicide. We don’t have any details yet, we’re going to have to wait for some  official reports.”_

Sam muted the TV again.

“That’s not real, right?” He repeated.

“Well, when Tony went down from the Mandarin attacks, I was in jail.” Scott said. “Everyone thought he was dead for good, but he wasn’t. Just rumours, man.”

Natasha licked her dry lips, then, and couldn’t hide the panic that began to develop. She dialled Pepper’s number. Then dialled it again when Pepper didn’t answer.

Pepper picked up on the third call.

“Pepper?” Natasha prodded. “Where are you?”

Pepper was silent for a while. Then she sniffed, and in a small voice she said, “at the hospital.”

Natasha stiffened. “With Tony? It’s real?”

Pepper nodded, though she knew Natasha couldn’t see it. “He’s _gone_ , Natasha.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine, Pepper. He’s…. He’s Tony. He can’t just––”

“He was _human!_ ” Pepper cried, snapping out of her daze. “He was not indestructible! You all treated him like he was nothing more than his suit of armour but he was _human––”_

“Pepper––”

“And now he’s _gone!_ ”

Natasha closed her eyes, holding her breath. She couldn’t respond.

Pepper hung up.

When Natasha opened her eyes again, she was met with the blank stares of the others in the room. They ranged from worried, to confused, to terrified––and Wanda’s was simply curious.

Natasha said, in a monotone voice, “Pepper is with him.”

“So he’s going to be okay?”

“She said he’s gone.”

The room went quiet.

“But the suicide?” Sam asked after a while, his eyes still wide in shock. “That can’t be real, man.”

Natasha’s silence told him otherwise.

* * *

 

“Are you sure you want me to carry the pizza boxes?” Bucky asked, hesitant. “What if they think it’s… dangerous.”

Steve chuckled. “Bucky, don’t worry. They’ll be happy that we got them pizza! When we lived at the tower, Tony would bring in a dozen boxes of pizza and we’d down them all. No one says no to pizza.”

Bucky nodded, forcing himself to smile. A few days ago, Natasha was hunting his ass down, T’Challa was _beating_ his ass up. And Steve decided that Bucky would be safe now just because Stark was no longer pursuing him? He made Bucky _bring them pizza_?

Of course he was worried. And tense. And he may have snuck a back-up knife in his boots.

When they reached the common room, Steve was happy to see that the majority of them were already gathered there. He could see Natasha, Scott, Sam, Wanda, T’Challa and Clint. He smiled as the glass doors slid open, and urged Bucky to enter the room.

“Hey,” Steve greeted.

Sam looked up at him, and gave him a small smile. “Hey, man. Hey, Barnes.”

Bucky gulped, and cleared his throat. “We, uh, we brought…. pizza?”

T’Challa's gaze hardened when he heard Bucky’s voice. He stared Bucky down.

Steve sighed, and squeezed Bucky’s shoulder in reassurance. “It’s okay. Come on, I’m sure Clint wants first slice of the pepperoni pizza.”

But Clint didn’t move when the boxes were set on the table in front of him. He didn’t even smile as he said, “no, thanks.”

Steve began to grow irritated.

“Scott? Sam? Wanda?” He prodded, opening the boxes. “No one wants pizza? _Natasha_?”

Natasha only shook her head. Wanda reached out for a slice, mumbling a soft thank you.

“Bucky passed SHIELD’s psych test,” Steve told Natasha. “And Fury said he’ll try to sign him up as an Avengers’ trainee to get the government to back off of him.”

“That’s great to hear,” she said in a voice much softer than Steve had ever heard. “Congrats, Barnes. I’m glad to see you’re doing better.”

Steve and Bucky then sat down, grabbing some pizza for themselves. Bucky couldn’t help but feel uneasy with the atmosphere in the room. Apparently Steve felt it, too, because he asked, “what’s going on?”

Sam took a deep breath, casting a glance at Natasha. “Nothing, man, it’s just….” He shook his head. “Did you see the news? Apparently they’re true.”

“What news?” Steve asked, his heart dropping. “Did General Ross capture anyone? Has the SHRA been passed––”

Clint interrupted him. “No, nothing like that, Steve. I don’t think we’ll be hearing from Ross  or the SHRA much anymore, given that Tony publicly denounced them. And that fucker, he just, he had to go out in that goddamn interview and make the Avengers look like the biggest heroes! Like we’re going to save the fucking planet now that he’s gone!”

“That interview was a few days ago,” Steve pointed out. What about it?

“And he believed it! I thought he was just making that shit up to please the news and the media, but he actually believed that he’d somehow held the Avengers down and was the sole purpose behind all this shit.”

“Tony did put too much of the blame on himself,” Steve agreed, though he still couldn’t understand why Clint was so worked up over it. “But it was for the sake of the Avengers. He did the right thing.”

Natasha scoffed. “He did the right thing because he made you look more heroic?”

“Of course that’s not what I meant.” Steve said, offended. “I just meant that he took a risk with what he did, but it was the right thing. Like Clint said, we barely have to worry about the SHRA anymore. And now that Tony denounced it and praised the team, a lot of people will stop demanding that we’re put under limits again.”

“Well, maybe they’re right.” Clint snapped. “Maybe Tony was right the whole damn time.  What _are_ we, Rogers? You really call this a team? You really call, what we _were_ , a team? What a fucking team it was, then.”

“I don’t understand why you’re saying this,” Steve snapped back. “What does this have to do with anything?”

T’challa exhaled, shaking his head. “The news were talking about whether what Mr. Stark said about the Avengers was actually true. A lot of people now think that your team made him say that, that you drove him to his death.”

Bucky choked on the bite he was eating.

Steve’s expression turned blank. “What?”

“You know, they just found it suspicious that Tony dumped everything in your favour, then went all out against himself and pro-Avengers, only to kill himself literally two days later.” Scott explained. “Now they’re wondering whether the Avengers’ team is really a safe environment, and whether the public should trust a team who drove one of their own to his death.”

“What _death_?” Steve finally asked.

Clint threw an arm over his face, covering his eyes. “You didn’t hear about it. Shit. Stark was found dead about an hour ago, suicide. We wanted to go and see him but only Hill was allowed on the scene.”

“Stark is dead?” Bucky whispered in disbelief.

“That’s not––” Steve stammered. “That’s….”

Oh, _God_.

“Well, why? Are we sure this wasn’t a planned murder, set up to look like suicide? Did General Ross have to do with this? Maybe it was because Tony renounced him so publicly, we need to find out who did this––”

“You want to know who did this, Steve?” Clint prompted, leaning forward in his seat. “We did.”

“Clint––” Sam began, attempting to stop Clint from finishing his thought.

“No, no, we _did_.” Clint insisted. “What are we, ten years old? _Oh no, some big bad evil must have done this to our friend! How will we avenge him!_ Fucking grow up, man. This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with a friend or a teammate committing suicide. And every time, we tried to ration their death, tried to convince ourselves that they did it for some unknown, mysterious, reason. Because we couldn’t fucking admit that it was our fault.”

“You can’t blame yourselves.” Wanda said. “Stark was a grown man, he was no child. He would not kill himself because his friends had other priorities. And if he did, then that’s his own fault for being so childish.”

“He was human,” Natasha retorted in a whisper, Pepper’s words ringing through her head. “We can’t take the full blame for his death. But we have to realize that we played a part in it.”

“But he stepped out and told the world that the Avengers were the good, trustworthy guys. He wouldn’t have said that if he hated us.” Sam said. “Maybe he just really believed he was to blame for everything and decided to punish himself for it.”

Bucky had been quiet the entire conversation, silently observing the others as they discussed Stark’s death. In all honesty, he still couldn’t process it. He didn’t know the man––he’d really only seen him in fights––but Tony seemed extremely self-entitled. He fought Steve because he didn’t share his views, he hunted Bucky down… Why would such a man kill himself? Bucky couldn’t understand. Tony was a rich, happy, narcissistic man. He wanted the best for himself, right?

It just didn’t add up.

“But,” he said hesitantly, deciding to join in on the conversation. “But who led him to believe he was at fault for everything? Technically, that would be us, no?”

“Bucky, you have nothing to do with this––” Steve began.

Bucky let out a patient exhale, frustrated that Steve would not cease to treat Bucky like a broken doll. Then, in a small voice, he said: “I want to consider the situation. I want to assess it for myself. I have thoughts, Steve, I _want_ to… I want to share them. As you all are. Can I?”

Steve nodded, slightly surprised, and sat back in his seat. “Of course you can, I’m sorry, I just… Yeah, of course.”

“I don’t understand why Stark would kill himself,” Bucky said, honestly. “He looked like a selfish guy, stubborn. Didn’t care for Steve’s feelings, or for his safety. I didn’t think he would be the type of man to let someone else’s words get to him.”

Natasha’s eyes softened. “You didn’t know Tony. A lot of us didn’t know him well, even after years of living with him. He was very selective with what he showed and shared. He was… hard to understand. He was stubborn, but not selfish. That’s not a word I would use to describe Tony Stark, tempting as it seems.”

“He did build us this facility,” Sam pointed out. “And he did do a lot of work on our tech and machines. And he did give us all free starkphones and starkpads––which are awesome, by the way.”

Wanda raised an eyebrow. “Just because he gives you money doesn’t mean he’s selfless. He would do what’s in his best interest.”

“I’m afraid in this situation, neither side was to _his_ best interest.” Fury noted, stepping into the room. “Do you understand that the SHRA threatened to imprison superhumans for life if they refused to register? Do you understand that the Avengers were supposed to be heroes, faces of peace, and people are now fearing you? Lining with Steve would mean that he, too, would be imprisoned––even though he’s not superhuman. And when you’re imprisoned, it might just get worse. You don’t know what’s out there, Steve. There are people who want to get their hands on enhanced humans, and God knows what they might do. Hydra or not.”

“That’s exactly why we didn’t want to register.” Steve responded.

“We didn’t want to register because we didn’t want to follow their rules,” Clint corrected. “We didn’t want to take any orders from a higher power. We didn’t think it was right solution for us to be prevented from going into battle unless we were given the green light, wanted to fight our own battles and lead them alone. That’s what the registration part really focused on.”

“And once we do, you think they’ll let us go?” Steve prompted. “You think they still won’t play their little tricks?”

Scott sighed. “Are we doing this again? We’re really going to start fighting about this after a good few days of peace. We haven’t even heard from the SHRA, they’ve been dealing with all the doubt crashing down on them from the public since Stark renounced them. Can we just, you know, not start this all over again?”

The room fell silent. After a few moments, Fury spoke up. “Anyways, I was here to talk about where Bucky stands right now, after the examinations and the…”

And for a few hours more, they forgot about Tony.

* * *

 

 

Was it the guilt that killed Tony Stark? Or was it shame? Maybe it was the feeling of no longer belonging. Was it incompetence?

Bucky wondered about the man he’d never known, the man he would never _get_ to know. He wondered about what that man had lived through, what his thoughts were. Did he ever struggle? If he had, then he’d rarely showed that. Was he simply that good of an actor?

“Your coffee’s growing cold,” Natasha commented. Bucky flinched, startled by her sudden presence. He turned his gaze to the mug of coffee he held, now indeed growing cold. To his surprise, Natasha smiled. “What’s on your mind, Barnes?”

Bucky attempted to smile back, though it was a weak smile. “I’m… I’m very grateful to SHIELD and the ATCU for giving me this chance. And I’m sorry that Steve didn’t agree to it at first, and that he gave you a hard time. He’s a stubborn guy.”

“That he is.” Natasha agreed. Her eyes fell to his shaking hands, gripping the mug tightly. Something in his eyes looked haunted. “People hated his name for a long time, you know that? Stark Industries missiles. Becoming Iron Man was his chance to give himself a new name, one that brought people peace instead of destruction. That’s why he supported the SHRA––He couldn’t bear to see people fear and hate him again.”

Bucky looked up, his eyebrows raised. “I… what?”

“You’re thinking about him. You feel like you can’t ask Steve, though.” Natasha said. “Am I right?”

“You knew him well?” Bucky asked, setting the mug of coffee down. “You must have been close.”

Natasha smiled again. “I’m not sure I can say that. No one really knew Tony Stark aside from Rhodes and Pepper, but I… I got to know him with time. Didn’t think Stark would be the person I visited at 4 a.m. after having a bad dream, but somehow he was. Didn’t think he’d be a person that I trusted, or cared for. I didn’t realize it at first, didn’t want to admit it.”

Bucky’s eyes were glistening with interest.

“But one night, he stumbled into my floor, pale and sobbing. I was confused. Brought him in, tried to calm him down. I thought he’d had flashbacks from his time in Afghanistan, or from flying the nuke into space, you know? But he just looked at me and he said, in utter relief, ‘ _you’re alive_ ’. Turns out he’d had a nightmare that we’d gotten killed, and he couldn’t save us. That was his biggest nightmare.”

“I didn’t know.” Bucky admitted.

“I found out recently that everything he’d done for the SHRA, and against you, wasn’t entirely for himself.” Natasha continued. “They threatened Pepper. They threatened to expose her powers under a bad lighting, to destroy her reputation. That was if Tony dropped the SHRA.”

“And if he dropped the hunt against me?”

“She’d be killed.”

Bucky winced. “He had to protect her.”

“Exactly.” Natasha said. “Believe it or not, though, I think you and Stark would have gotten along pretty well if it hadn’t been for this whole mess. He talked about it a few times, how you two actually had a lot in common.”

“Me? And Stark?” Bucky asked in disbelief.

“I mean, both of your heroic stories did start with you getting captured by a terrorist organization who added a piece of metal to your body.”

Bucky furrowed his brows. “He didn’t have any prosthetics.”

“No,” Natasha agreed, “but his body did run on a magnetic heart for a few years. Did no one tell you about the arc reactor?”

“I don’t know what that is.”

So Natasha told him all about the origin of Iron Man.

* * *

 

Bruce Banner appeared a few days later, wondering why Tony wasn’t answering any of his calls.

The Hulk wasn’t pleased with the answer.

* * *

 

The funeral was that weekend.

Pepper wanted to invite as little guests as possible, but the higher figures of the government weren’t exactly happy with that. Tony deserved a proper burial, they said, one that would honour his heroism. They wanted to bury the Iron Man. Pepper wanted to bury Tony Stark.

Of course, the funeral being public meant the Avengers would be invited to the spotlight.

The funeral was held at a government funeral home. In the main hall, there were about five hundred seats, organized in rows and facing a small stage with a podium. Behind the stage was a small room with no seats, intended to be a preparation room of some sort. Pepper stood there with Natasha, Maria and Bruce.

When Steve Rogers walked in, clad in a formal black suit, Pepper’s jaw clenched. When she that Bucky was trailing him, her fists balled at her sides.

“Ms. Potts,” Steve said, approaching her. “I would have offered my condolences sooner, but we weren’t allowed to––”

“You weren’t allowed to visit because I didn’t want you to, Mr. Rogers.” Pepper replied, fighting to maintain her calm. “And had I had a choice in this, you would not have been allowed to attend the funeral, either.”

“Pepper,” Maria interjected, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“No, Maria! Why should they be allowed here? You’re going to walk in here and act like you’re the good man who feels terrible for his lost friend, Mr. Rogers? Because Captain America couldn’t have driven his friend to suicide. But Tony _wasn’t_ your friend, so it doesn’t count, does it?”

“Tony was my friend, Ms. Potts, we just had our differences––”

“You just had your differences, so you wanted him _dead_?”

“I never wanted him dead,” Steve defended, shocked at Pepper’s accusations.

“Is that what you tell yourself?” Pepper turned to Bucky, then. “Is that what he told you when you urged you to fight Tony with him? When you both beat him up so bad he walked out of the _armour_ with cuts and bruises and breaks?”

Bucky gulped, feeling uncomfortable under her gaze. “I was fighting for my life and my safety.”

“And I can’t blame _you_.” Pepper said, taking a deep breath. “But you, Mr. Rogers… I can’t have you step out there and talk about Tony like you knew him. Like you cared for him. Like you had no idea you were driving Tony to the edge.”

Steve turned his gaze to the ground, unsure of how to respond.

“Steve’s supposed to help carry the casket.” Maria informed Pepper. “The president thinks it would be an honour for Tony to have Captain America carry his coffin to the grave.”

Pepper bit her lip, her eyes watering slightly. “That’s not right.”

“With all due respect, Ma’am, Tony and I were friends before all of this happened. The least I can to honour the four years we knew each other, to provide my support, is to carry the casket.”

Bucky narrowed his eyes as Pepper’s skin began to tinge orange. Was it just his imagination… or was her skin _glowing_? He took a step back on instinct, watching her carefully.

“You didn’t let him attend Peggy’s funeral.” Pepper grounded, sniffing. “You decided you were the only person who cared about her, who loved her and knew her. Tony cried that day, did you know? He got home and he cried. He cried because Sam Wilson, Bucky Barnes, Clint, even Wanda Maximoff were allowed at her funeral––and he wasn’t. Because your word was so important to security that even Iron Man couldn’t get past them.”

“I… I didn’t want Peggy’s funeral to become a paparazzi zoo, that’s all.”

As Pepper’s fists curled tighter, her cheeks grew brighter. “Because you thought he was doing it for the spotlight. Isn’t that what you said? You decided Tony Stark couldn’t attend his Aunt Peggy’s funeral because you believed he just an attention seeking asshole. God, stop pretending to be the hero you’re not! Stop acting like you’re not a selfish man, just… just stop it!”

Her voice grew louder as she spoke, and before she could stop, she found herself throwing her arm up to slap Steve. Bucky gripped her wrist, however, before her burning her hands could land on Steve’s face. He stepped between them in a menacing stance, eyes narrowed.

They were silent for a few moments, Pepper seemingly shocked at her own action, before Bucky hissed and dropped his grip on her wrist. He didn’t often _feel_ his fingers in the metal arm, only on occasion, when something went seriously wrong––but somehow he felt the metal absorbing the heat from her wrist, slowly melting.

The arm was supposed to withstand fire––and had, under multiple occasions.

Just how _powerful_ was Pepper?

Pepper let out a soft exhale, close to a sob, and shook her head. Her heat began to diminish, her skin slowly returning to normal colour. She ran a hand over her face, then through her hair. “Oh my God, I’m… I’m so sorry, I usually have my powers under control but I––”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Natasha said, squeezing Pepper’s shoulder. “You’re under a lot of stress right now. Why don’t we go take a walk outside before they start up the funeral?”

Pepper nodded, her hands shaking lightly as she followed Natasha out of the room.

“She’s not taking it well,” Bruce said, speaking up for the first time. “You know she’s usually not this angry. She’s one of the most extraordinary people with self-control, but this is a tiring time for her.”

Steve nodded. “I understand. I just… I don’t understand why it sounds like I killed him myself. Did Tony say something before he died that’s leading everyone to think this?”

“Not exactly. He left a stack of letters and documents scattered around him, though. A letter for each of us. I read a few of them, couldn’t really continue with the rest. I think, whether or not it was intentional, the battle between the two of you was the last straw. _You_ didn’t make Tony suicidal––that started a long time ago. But with everything and everyone he lost recently… he saw no other way out. He hit a dead end. He lost Rhodey. He was convinced that he lost you too, for good, and the rest of the team. I left, so he thought I hated him. He was convinced that he lost purpose in his life, that he was no longer needed for the team to succeed. That he was only causing more damage to everyone around him.”

“Pepper said that it all built up, ever so slowly. Like bruce said, none of us made him suicidal… but you can’t deny that we played a role in convincing him that he was causing damage, that he was occasionally putting the team down, that he wasn’t good enough at times. This was all before Bucky and the SHRA came into the picture, too. We never gave him slack when he was on the team; we always expected him to have everything ready for us. Tech, residence, money, upgrades, presence on the battlefield.”

“I just wish we told him thank you a little more often.” Bruce murmured. “We don’t usually think much of it, but to some people, it would mean everything. He lived, often, because he found purpose in giving to others, and we never really even gave him _that_ validation.”

Steve let out a shaky breath. When a few tears trailed down his cheeks, he didn’t care to wipe them away.

–––––––

Once the priest was finished with his opening, Pepper was invited on stage to give the first speech of the funeral. After a statement to start off her eulogy, Pepper found herself looking away from the speech prepared on the papers sitting at the podium before her.

“Tony had no family.” She said instead. “His parents died when he was 21, and he had to take over Stark Industries. Do you know what he told me a few months ago? He told me that he never liked to build weapons. When he was younger, his dream was to create technology that could revolutionize the world, that would make it much more accessible to everyone. He created his first electrical circuit when he was only four, his first working robot when he was around ten, I believe. He didn’t always see eye-to-eye with Howard Stark. He doubted the family business a few times, though he wouldn’t dare show that to anyone. It would look very bad if it leaked to the public.

Of course, Obadiah Stane took care of Tony after his parents’ deaths. He was his father figure, helped him run the company. This never got out to the public, but I think you should all know that Obadiah Stane betrayed Tony. He dealt the weapons to terrorists across the globe, caring for nothing but the money. He was responsible for Tony’s days in captivity, and when Tony returned, he tried to kill him.

Tony had no one––no more family. The only man he thought was his family betrayed him. That’s why I’m standing here today, as Tony’s ex-girlfriend, friend and co-worker. Because Tony had no one else. And he didn’t deserve that. Tony was a kind man, he was so caring. He was a pain sometimes, yes, especially when he thought he was worth _nothing_ , when he put his life on the line to try and save countless others.

He never forgave himself for all the souls who were lost because of his weapons, even when he wasn’t particularly aware what the company was doing behind his back. That’s why he became the Iron Man, that’s why he flew a nuke into space and and gave his _everything_ to the Avengers Initiative. Because he was tired of living behind the mask of the person he was expected to be, because he didn’t want to be the merchant of the death, or the biggest mass murderer of America. He wanted to help people.

Tony was a scientist, a mechanic, an optimist. He always wanted to watch the world grow. To watch us improve. Unfortunately, he wasn’t so optimistic with himself. A lot of you still don’t believe the suicide aspect of his death. How could billionaire, genius, heroic Tony Stark kill himself?

Well, he never saw himself as that heroic man. And when he tried to believe he was a hero, he was put down by people who were never satisfied with his efforts. There is a lot about Tony that none of you know, or may ever know, and that really… that really saddens me, because I don’t want him to be remembered for the persona he forced in front of the cameras, or for the rumours that were always created about him.

I just want him to be remembered as the man who never gave up wanting to help the world, and when he thought that the world no longer needed him, that he was creating problems and damage…”

Pepper broke off into a sob, no longer able to keep her voice steady. The entire hall was silent, save for some sobbing and sniffing within the crowd. Pepper was urged off the stage as she cried uncontrollably. When she heard Steve getting called to give the next eulogy, she stepped out of the hall.

* * *

 

“She was right,” Steve mumbled. The majority of the guests had left by now, leaving Pepper along with Maria, Fury, Coulson and the Avengers. Pepper and Coulson stood at the grave, talking quietly. Steve and Bucky had stepped further back.

Bucky turned to Steve, puzzled.

“Pepper, I mean.” Steve elaborated. “She was right about me. I was being selfish, and I refused to see it. But I couldn’t let you go, Buck, I couldn’t lose you again. If that meant my being selfish, I was okay with it. I didn’t realize how badly it was affecting Tony, I… He was falling apart, right before my eyes. He was always exhausted, he lost his edge and snark. I’ve known him for four years, Buck. Four years. And I had the heart to tell him that he wasn’t my friend.”

Bucky didn’t answer, his eyes locked to Steve’s. Steve let out a soft exhale, and continued. “I wish it hadn’t come to this. I never wanted Tony dead––I don’t know what I was thinking when I beat him senseless, encouraging you to do the same. I don’t know why I didn’t realize he was getting blackmailed to pursue you so intently. You know, I thought I grew to understand Tony after a few years of living and working together… but I was wrong. Four years, and he still had to live with that mask. And when he finally dropped it, I refused to see the truth.”

Bucky pulled him in for a hug. Steve buried his face into Bucky’s shoulder, and couldn’t help the quiet sob that escaped him.

* * *

 

A few days later, Bruce visited the Avengers’ facility with a large envelope in hand. He called for a small gathering at the common room, and a within an hour, the team had gathered.

“Hey, guys.” He greeted. “I know I’m not exactly in a position to speak about this, but Pepper was busy and asked me to deliver these to you. I know–– I disappeared after Ultron, deciding it would be best if I laid low and didn’t get in your way. I ignored Tony’s calls and messages and pleas. It was selfish, and I’m––I’m so sorry. I should have been here.”

Steve shook his head. “Don’t, Bruce. This isn’t on you. I’m glad you’re back, though, and I’m glad you’re staying with Pepper. She needs your support. How is she doing?”

“A little better,” Bruce said. “She’s getting better with keeping her temper under control, but she’s still devastated, as you can only expect.” He paused, then said, “These are the letters Tony left behind for all of you.”

The rest of the team leaned in closer as he pulled out the papers. The first letter was to Natasha. Bruce handed it to her silently, then pulled out Steve’s. One by one, he handed them the letters.

Scott was surprised, to say the least, when there was a letter for him as well.

“I think I have to get going,” Bruce said once he was finished. “I just wanted to deliver the letters. If you guys need anything, do let me know.” He received a few silent nods in response, everyone too focused on reading the papers in their hands.

They read in silence for a few minutes, mulling over the words. Scott set the letter down in his lap, eyebrows furrowed. “He left me a job offer at Stark Industries. Said they could use a genius electric engineer to provide ideas and get involved. The guy barely knew me, how did he know…? And he left a cheque for twenty-five thousand dollars, said it’s for Cassie. I… why?”

“‘Cause he’s that way.” Clint answered. Then, with a flinch, he corrected himself. “He _was_ that way.”

“Same here, though.” Sam said. “He left me a letter fucking apologizing for blasting one of my wings during a fight, and said to ask FRIDAY to show him the blueprints for the improved design he’d made when we first met, before Ultron and all.”

“He apologized to me too,” Wanda added. “For my parents. Said I will now be glad to know that the man who killed them is gone.” She inhaled slowly. “But I’m not. I’m not happy that Stark killed himself. Maybe I don’t care too much, but I’m not _happy_. I can’t forgive his company and weapons for my parents’ death, but I can’t ignore that he tried very hard to make it up to me and acknowledged his mistakes.”

There a few murmurs in response, as they discussed what their letters said. The only ones who remained silent were Steve, Bucky and Natasha. When Natasha left the room suddenly, Bucky found himself following her out, ignoring the puzzled look Steve shot at him.

He found her leaning against a wall a few halls down.

“Hey,” he said softly. “You alright?”

Natasha straightened, turning around to face him. “Barnes. What are you doing here?”

Bucky paused, debating whether he should open up to Natasha. Something about the pain in her eyes urged him to speak up. “You’re not okay.”

Natasha’s gaze met his as she, too, debated how much she should give away. “And?”

“I’m…” Bucky shook his head. “I’m not okay, either. And you––you were there before. You talked to me, and I felt much better, and comfortable, and I thought––”

Natasha’s eyes softened. “Yeah, yeah I was. I’m here now, too. I just… the letter. He thanked me, over and over. Look at this––he thanked me for giving him a second chance, after writing my skewed analysis of him. He thanked me for agreeing to move into the tower, thanked me for agreeing with him when he stood with the SHRA, thanked me for being there for Pepper. He thanked me, and I quote, _for allowing myself to be his friend_.”

Natasha was furious. Furious with Tony for being that stupid, furious with herself for not discussing this with him when he was alive. Furious with the world that always took away the only people she considered family.

_You were the closest thing I had to a sister, Nat. There’s never been a woman in my life, other than Pepper and Peggy, who saw me beyond my money and reputation. But you gave me a second chance, even after you didn’t recommend me for the team, and it meant a lot to me._

_Thank you so much for giving me a chance, for being there for me. I never would have thought that I would feel safe with you around, the sneaky terrifying assassin, but I did! I don’t mean to offend you by saying you feel like a sister to me, I just want you to know that I always respected you, and always will._

_Thank you for allowing yourself to be my friend._

“Fuck him,” she whispered, tracing a stain of blood just below the words. “God, _damn_ you, Stark. I never told him directly, but I respected him, too. In a weird way, different than how I respect Steve. I thought he would know that.”

They stood in silence for a few moments, before Bucky said, “who’s Edwin Jarvis?”

Natasha raised an eyebrow. “I knew an AI named JARVIS, but I wasn’t aware his first name was Edwin.”

“An AI?” Bucky repeated. “But he says that I––well, the Winter Soldier––killed him.”

_God, what do I say to you, Barnes? I’m sorry for hunting you down? I’m sorry for putting your life in jeopardy? I was a little blackmailed into some of it, maybe, but I thought you needed a psych eval. I thought you were, really, too dangerous to be walking around, because the first time I saw you was when you crashed into the facility and beat the shit out of all of us. I was a little terrified, yeah._

_And––just so you know, I don’t really blame you for killing Howard & Maria. You had no choice, it wasn’t your fault. But I feel a tinge of sadness every time I remember that they, along with Edwin Jarvis, died at your hands. Again––not to blame you, but I couldn’t help but feel that._

“Edwin Jarvis,” Natasha murmured, thinking. If Edwin Jarvis had been a real man, then perhaps JARVIS was named after him?

_But anyway, I’m really happy to see that you’ve improved. That’s what I wanted initially, you know? To have you get evaluated and put away if you were too dangerous. And when you proved to be more aware & less of a threat, it was too late for me to back away from Ross and his shit threats._ _You’re a strong guy, and I’m actually a little sad that we’ll never get to be friends. Captain America wasn’t my only idol when I was growing up, you know. James Buchanan Barnes was a little more of a realistic hero, a man who fought alongside Cap even when he lacked the serum._

“He idolized me.” Bucky said slowly. “When he was a kid.”

_I trust you’re gonna be a great Avenger. Cap and Bucky duo will have the bad guys shitting their pants! I know I shit_ _mine_ _when the two of you teamed up on me._

Ouch.

_If you ever need a pet, feel free to adopt Dummy and You, by the way. They’re not the smartest bots, but they’ll love your arm and they’ll make you shitty smoothies._

They heard footsteps, and turned to see Steve approaching. His eyes were lidded, his nose slightly running as he tried to fight back some tears and sniffing. “You guys alright? You both left and I didn’t want to interrupt, but then I got a little worried.”

“Yeah,” Bucky answered softly. “I mean, I think so. You?”

Steve gulped, but forced a smile. “I’ll be fine. I’m just––I’m going to head the bathroom real quick. Just wanted to check on you guys.”

* * *

 

As soon as he locked the bathroom door, Steve let out a shaky breath he’d been holding. He unfolded the letter, reading over it again. It had more blood than any of the others.

_I was trying to avoid writing to you, so I wrote to everyone else first. But I’m feeling a little lightheaded & there’s a lot of blood now. I don’t like blood, y’know, it makes me queasy. There might be shit grammar & abbreviations, sorry ‘bout that._

Steve’s lip began to tremble.

_Never made you proud in my life, hope you’ll find something in my death. Stepping out of your way for good now, you can have the world. The world free of Tony’s shit ideas and destructive plans. Bucky’s doing real well, ya, so good to see. Wanda too, & Scott & Sam, all good kids, you & Nat going to train them well. Save the world. No one holding you back now._

Steve couldn’t believe it. The utter _hatred_ Tony had for himself… It was insane.

_Sorry I couldn't be Howard._

No, but he was better than Howard.

_Aunt Peggy’s dead. Wanted to write to her. Tell her sorry. She wanted me to be a good guy, to do what’s right, & I couldn’t ever do that. If you visit her grave, tell her I’m sorry, she’ll listen to you. She always talked about you, how sometimes she loved you even more before the serum. I always wanted to be like you, couldn’t. Jarvis said it was okay, but it wasn’t._

And many times, he was also better than Steve.

_Really sorry for all the shit I gave you when we were on the team, Ultron & all, Bucky, SHRA. Stay safe, try to change the SHRA to get into middle ground. It’s not a bad thing, Cap, but make sure it’s in the right hands. You can make it work, I know you will._

Steve gagged as he noticed some blood mixed into the ink.

_You got your whole life ahead of you, & I know you’ll make it worthwhile._

_Steve? Forgot to write this to Nat, please check on Harley. Goes by Harley Keener to keep a low profile,  in Yomaka Orphanage in Tennessee, but he’s my son, legalized him as Harley Stark. Mother was Maya Hansen, she’s gone. Pep knows about him. Don’t let Ross get his hands on him?_

Tony had a son. Steve could not wrap his head around the fact.

At this point, Tony’s writing got extremely messy, it was barely legible.

_Take care of him and the team, yourself, & convince Bucky to take Dummy & You, they need a new dad & I think he’ll like them. Thank you for all the days we lived together & for putting up with me, thank you for giving me the chance to work alongside the legendary Captain merica._

Steve’s shoulders shook lightly as leaned forward, elbows on the sink, and shoved his face into his palms.

* * *

 

“I’m here to pick up Harley Keener?”

The woman at the front desk didn’t bother to look up at him. “Relation?”

“Something like an uncle.”

“Your ID, please.”

Steve handed her his ID. It took her a moment to read his name before looking up at him with wide eyes. “Mr Rogers? _Captain America_? Please, one moment, Harley will be out in just a moment.”

When Harley stepped out a few moments later, Steve gasped softly. He looked a _lot_ like Tony––he’d seen photos of Tony when he was younger, and the resemblance was striking. Harley’s once golden hair was beginning to grow darker, too.

“Harley, right?”

Harley nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Mr. Rogers.”

“Please, call me Steve.” Steve crouched, smiling at Harley. “Tony asked me to pick you up––”

“He’s alive? I knew it!! It’s another sham, isn’t it? Just like that time when the Mandarin bombed his house. I knew it! I knew he’d be alive––”

“Harley, no.” Steve interjected sadly. “No, he… in a letter he left for me. Before his death.”

Harley’s expression fell, blank for a few moments before he burst out in tears. Steve couldn’t help but pull him in for a tight embrace as he let the child cry.

* * *

 

 

Eventually, everything began to settle down. Pepper was doing much better; she’d been practicing yoga with Bruce, finding that it helped them both keep their temper under control. Stark Industries was picking up business again, hiring new engineers––including Scott Lang and Leopold Fitz, though they were mainly there to provide ideas.

Harley and his sister moved into the Avengers Facility. His sister actually wasn’t Tony’s daughter, but he’d adopted her, legally naming her Jenna Stark as well. The team wasn’t quite sure bringing in the kids was a good idea, but nothing had gone too bad. Yet.

Steve did, indeed, negotiate the SHRA to find middle ground. They ended up placing it in the hands of the ATCU, instead of General Ross, and the Avengers were given more freedom with making the right call if needed.

Bucky adopted Dummy and You. He was surprised by how much he actually ended up adoring them, though they were… difficult at times.

But somehow, life felt empty.

They moved on, they had to. But they couldn’t forget Tony’s suicide. Had he died in battle, or a natural death, then perhaps it would have been easier. But it wasn’t. They were reminded that he’d ended his own life, that everything they’d said and done had driven him to do that.

* * *

 

 

Five weeks later, Rhodey woke up from his coma.

They only told him about Tony’s death once he was out of the hospital around a week later.

Somehow, his grief and anger reawakened the grief in everyone else. They had been coping, they’d been pushing it down, but seeing Rhodey experience the shock only made them relive it.

“I can’t stay on this team.” Rhodey said one day. “I can’t fight in Tony’s suit, alongside this team, after he _killed_ himself. I can’t do this.”

“We need you as Iron Patriot,” Steve insisted.

“No, no you don’t. You’re learning to live without Tony, aren’t you? You can live without me. I have things to do in the military, I have a better team to work with.”

It stung, but Steve could not argue.

“Well, if you ever change your mind, we’ll be here.” Natasha said with a small smile. Rhodey nodded, then excused himself. He didn’t want to stay in the building any longer than necessary.

He was surprised to find Vision walking alongside him once he stepped out of the building.

“Mr. Rhodes.” Vision greeted politely.

“I won’t stay with the team, Vision. And you can call me Rhodes or Rhodey.”

“It’s not about that, Rhodes. I was… wondering if you were going to visit Sir’s grave. Mr. Stark’s grave.”

Rhodey paused, studying Vision for a moment. “I am. Why?”

“I was hoping I could come with you. The government did not want me present at Mr. Stark’s funeral, so I could not attend the burial. Since, I have found it odd to visit Mr. Stark’s grave alone. I do not know the customs for visiting graves.”

Rhodey smiled sadly, then nodded. “Come on, let’s go.”

Because Tony Stark may have died, but he lived on in their hearts. Even the heart of a creature who could not experience feelings, like Vision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh all done! What did you think? Any favourite parts?
> 
> I couldn't resist adding the Harley bit, oops.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed. Please comment here and/or message me on tonynstark letting me know what you think xx

**Author's Note:**

> Ah let me know what you think! There WILL be a chapter 2 of the team reacting to it, and Pepper dealing with the team. 
> 
> Was that painful or nah?
> 
> You can comment here or message me on tumblr at tonynstark!


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